a fit of regression

It's hard to escape our irresolute minds. Old patterns die hard because we like them. Itwas a tough morning and I digressed into self-rebuke and loathing. Self mutilation never looked so good, so I did this instead. Breathinbreathout...breathinbreathout...

glass & steel

twisted shrapnel repeats inside me,
a fragmented, slivered, echoing mistake;
more relentless self-absorbing examination of intention -
a mirror that peers into the mirror that peers into the mirror -
i squint into its surface
anxious, it can shatter
sure, it will shatter
afraid, it will shatter
preemptively, i shatter

malignant despair, tangled rebuke,
fallacy of intricacy shaded by apathy,
after thought falls away, left with out
mangled, shivering dystopia
forced hand, fingers dripping cold with blood
impotent, important undeniable
trainwreck train wreck
trainwreck train wreck
trained/wrecked.
---------------------------------------------------------
Call it therapy I guess. Then this monsstrosisityty was born:

sph(e)re of influenc(e)

future discord, malign and sterilize:
keep the piece
the jaws of life can't
extricate

a symbolic truth, failure incarnate:
the flesh. the fleshly. the rotting;
a corpse of a dream of a shadow of sanity -
an eph e
me
ra l notion
of tan g(le)ibilit (libel/libert)y

uncertainly uncertainty waits in the doorway,
coa(t)l black, jackboot fascist depravity:
stompingon-stampingon-stompedon
hostility

eggshell ricepaper, membranous translucence,
brittle, untrusting, oxidized, and rusting

i'(m
e) falling a part,
mygripdestroying:

a butterfly's wings smashed on my fingers

---------------------------------------------------------

It was a tough morning, but Laura stopped by at work (where I'm writing now) and helped me to feel better. It's a good feeling, being loved. It's hard to feel deserving sometimes.

from a random email to a co-worker

...not evolutionary psychology, per se. I have, however, investigated a bit of the neurological origins of individuality and the evolution of developmental psychology…

I’ve really only scratched the surface of psychology, a discipline that I long considered banal and pathetic, which I’ve now come to see as a natural evolution from the discipline of philosophy, of which I am extremely fond. Therefore, the working title of my book:

power (in)serenity: the death of philosophy

I presently and rather inductively working on a survey of all disciplines in an effort to more fully assimilate them all in a manner that I find unconfining. Educational bulimia is an unattractive by-product of the overeducation of the Western world. My present valance is to self-educate to the point of convenient retention, then come up with a casual, causal theory of everything.

I call it the science of the art of a bunch of shit in the new university of the old school of jake (anyone can audit, but no one graduates).

hrm. too much wine at this hour, but this’ll be funny when you read it in the morning.

from home,
ajek

moreso's the pity

oh where does the wind blow,
what can the winding road tell me,
too tall to teach the reach of reason,
too short to take me where i want to be:
cold feet and calloused hands.

new leaves

As the trees lose their leaves, I continue to turn new ones over. I'm realizing my strengths and I can't always be so afraid to do what I want to do. Yes, other people may find it not suiting their tastes, but I have to explore the possibilities of who I am. I enjoy exploring and trying new things, regardless of how well its been done by someone else, because what I do, what I think and feel and know, is intrinsically different than any other person that's ever existed.

That is the beauty and genius of humanity: our vast differences; all of our myriad differences that combine in a random soup of genetic matter. And what do we get? Humanity. Patterned chaos. Each of our traits is distributed evenly and well throughout the species. Extremely desirable traits are reserved for a minority, while the majority shares with each other equally the fruits of our genes. The minorities at the other end then become the possibilities for change in contrast to those "perfect few" that enjoy the attention of desirable traits. The few on the opposite often make the desirable traits into undesirable traits, allowing them the strength of conviction to pursue change in the majority. If they can change the majority to accept their desirable traits and ignore their undesirable traits, then they can affect change in the overall scheme of the species.

As an example, consider the blind. The causes for blindness are quite numerous, but obviously it would either be something that you are born with or some loss of sight later in life; it could be considered to have been a biological or mechanical process; it could have been sudden or have happened over time. The challenge of the blind is then to convince their peer or social group that their blindness does not affect their other abilities. Truly, in the case of blindness, those that cope with the loss of the sense better than most - that is, those that stand out, head and shoulders above the rest - the ones that are exceptional regardless of handicapped, or rather, the "perfect few" that have coping schemes so good that they can operate at levels above those of most sighted people. These people are the ones that affect change, not because of their handicaps, but because of their inherent abilities and people's preconceptions of what it means to be "able."

Anyhow, yeah, I think I'm done rambling for the day.

fallfire

Just made this for a contest over at http://www.johnmundtesquire.com. It's not bad. I made it with various screenies taken from a program called Visual Thesaurus.